Jay-Z and Beyoncé have announced the birth of their twins, causing two more massive headaches for the already-stressed-out rapper.
“99 problems was an awful lot to deal with in the first place,” confirmed Jay Z.
“Most of them were things like gas bills, which are similar problems to yours but larger because my houses are numerous and massive.
“Other things were dealing with dodgy fellows who wished me harm but they’ve largely either lost interest or ‘gone away’, if you see what I mean.
“But TWINS?! Golly. That’s definitely two more problems. Not that I’m not pleased, but I’ve seen all the movies about twins and it all points to them being a massive if mischievous pain in the posterior.
“Thank God I’ve got Beyoncé to help me. Have you seen her? She’s ruddy gorgeous. She definitely isn’t one of my problems, I’d like to be really clear about that – in fact she’s told me to be.”
Celebrities from around the world sent messages of congratulations to the couple; UK Prime Minister, Theresa May, tweeted “Congratulations to Mr and Mrs Zed.” while Donald Trump tweeted “Good to see yet more good news for my friend, Bill Cosby. TWINS!”