EU politicians gleefully looking forward to Monday

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Following Emmanuel Macrons’ popularity boost by publicly humiliating Donald Trump, embattled EU leaders are hoping to change their political fortunes by making the UK’s delegates look like twats.

Sources near the Spanish PM Mariano Rajoy said he was going to use the negotiations to attract younger voters to his beleaguered party.

“Senor Rajoy will get into an argument with your Boris Johnson about ERASMUS. As soon as Boris makes some glib remark, the Prime Minister will call him a donkey fucker under his breath. And voila! Instant meme. Buzzfeed is on standby. Mariano has practised his cheeky non-apology. We’re ready to roll.”

Dutch Prime Minister Mark Rutte is hoping a dramatic gesture against the UK’s negotiation team will mark him as a champion of ordinary people and shore up his fragile coalition. Regardless of what is discussed, he is expected to passionately berate David Davis and emotionally proclaim that people’s lives are not gambling chips.

Guy Verhofstadt confirmed the EU itself is banking on the talks to find a new sense of purpose.

“The European project was floundering, to be honest. It’s just hard to explain what it’s for. But ordinary people can easily relate to wanting to take down smarmy populist arseholes. It’s a great unifier. From the Baltic to the Aegean, everybody wants to wipe that smirk off Nigel Farage’s face.”

The Department for Leaving the EU was contacted but could not comment as its entire PR team had resigned on Wednesday.