Those ducks in your local park are definitely up to something, reports today have suggested.
Waddling around the place, quacking and begging for bread are part of a cunning ruse to lull humans into a false sense of security before they unleash their terrible plan in all its majesty.
Ducks are usually regarded as harmless waterfowl of the genus Anatidae, but new research has cast doubt on their facade of amiable dabbling – revealing terrible hints of something considerably more sinister underneath.
Several areas of natural wetlands are believed to hold ‘considerable’ stockpiles of heavy weapons and explosives carefully disguised as floating nest boxes and reedbeds, although their purpose is not yet known.
Speaking from behind a solid steel wall, senior Duckologist Simon Williams told us he couldn’t say more for fear of reprisals against his family by ‘the feathery menace’.
“You think they’re cute, don’t you?” He babbled in a terrified falsetto.
“God, if only you knew. That’s all part of their plan. Gathering bits of bread and seed for their plan. Their plan.”
He went on to suggest that birdwatchers and old ladies with bags of food are actually in league with the ducks and act as their human agents.
“The birdwatchers. Hanging around watching, always watching. But they’re not watching the ducks, they’re watching you.
“God save us all. They’re coming, and there’s nothing you can do to stop them.”