Europe must fuck things up for itself, says Merkel

The deterioration in relations with Britain and the United States means Europe must now fuck things up all by itself, Angela Merkel has warned EU leaders.

The German Chancellor urged EU leaders to step up to fill the void left behind by two sovereign nations who had single-handedly sought to undermine peace in the region and beyond.

She told reporters, ‘Replicating the poisonous contribution of our two former comrades will be a challenge that will be undoubtedly tough to bridge.

‘Brexit, the hand-holding with Russia, TTIP, starting needless wars – Europe must now accept that royally fucking things up for everyone is our sole responsibility.

‘Making a mess of things might look easy, but it takes a certain level of brainlessness to deliver on such a grand scale.’

Merkel hoped the seamless transition to fuckdom could start with a gentle prodding of North Korean leader, Kim Jong-Un.

‘My first port of call will be to accuse Kim Jong-Un of only finishing second in this year’s Grand National, which should see a ballistic missile test occur within minutes.’

Theresa May urged the EU to reconsider, insisting that although Britain fucking things from within was no longer an option, descending into fucking things up from the outside would be a priority for a future Tory government.

‘Britain is committed to continuing to screw up its relationship with EU.

‘Let us, together, become infinitely weaker than the sum of our parts.’