New health guidelines will put pictures of tramps on cans of Special Brew

author avatar by 7 years ago

New health guidelines have called for pictures of a toothless man shouting at pigeons on a park bench in Stockport to be put on cans of cider and Special Brew.

Citing the success of adding pictures of cancer patients to cigarettes as a warning, health watchdogs have suggested alcohol should be next.

Other forms of alcohol will also have warning images added, including a picture of Axl Rose looking really red-faced and fat on bottles of Jack Daniels, a fat bloke in a stained check shirt on cans of Stella, and a shot of a middle-aged woman having an affair with her Boxercise instructor on bottles of Prosecco.

Speaking for the NHS, Health department spokesman Dr Simon Williams told us, “We really wanted to hit hard with our warnings on cigarette packets to bring home the effects.

“And it’s the same here. For example, WKD will have a dramatic image of a 14-year old asleep in a puddle of their own sick, and bottles of gin will have a picture of a happy, relaxed woman smiling with eyes half-closed.”

“No, hang on, maybe we need to rethink that one.”

The NHS has welcomed the change, saying that if this works it’ll make working in A&E on Saturday night after chucking out time bearable for the first time in decades.