Arsenal “didn’t want to play in the smelly Champions League anyway”

After failing to qualify for UEFA’s flagship competition, Arsenal have declared that the Champions League is smelly rubbish and they’ve got much more interesting things to do anyway.

Finishing outside the top four of the Premier League for the first time in twenty years, coach Arsene Wenger called the Champions League ‘stupid’ and ‘boring’ and announced that he’ll have his own Champions League round at his house with lots of other teams who you don’t know because they go to a different league.

He then picked up the ball and walked off, shouting back over his shoulder that he didn’t care.

Arsenal, who tell everyone that they’re great at football and they’ve won lots of games when you weren’t watching – including one with a great overhead volley that you missed – will spend next season kicking around with their mates because they don’t want to embarrass anyone.

“We might go to the Champions League next year, but only if everyone else stops being so rubbish,” Wenger told reporters whilst staring furiously at Tekken and hammering the controls.

“We could have got in if we’d wanted to, we just didn’t want to, OK?

“I’m going to have all my proper footballing friends round and I’ll have a big party with cake and it’ll be better than theirs and we’ll win and hand out trophies and then they’ll all be sorry for not inviting us.

“So there.”