Father Christmas has agreed to attend Alcoholics Anonymous after finally coming to terms with, and admitting his debilitating sherry addiction.
Fun Police Chief Executive Simon Williams said, “Having to deliver to 1 billion children in a single night means Santa is not only breaking the speed limit, but also the light barrier and classical physics in general.
“However, downing a glass of sherry at even 1% of the houses he visits means he is estimated to be around 5 million times over the drink drive limit, depending on how well his body can absorb alcohol.
“All of which suggests he is not the role model to which children should aspire.”
While supping his favourite tipple, Santa himself admitted he had built his way up to sherry through other substance abuse, “I started out liking trifle. Big, big fan of trifle.
“Then one day, Mrs Christmas put in a little bit of sherry, and it all grew from that really. Trifle was my gateway drug.
“The problems eventually all came to a head last week when Rudolph refused to help me out, citing jealousy about how red my nose had become.
“All in all in all, I’ve… I’m only going to fiss this by facing it… head on, and attending AA… A?
A sozzled Santa added, “Wassat? Hic. I… what you say? … I will FIGHT you! I will. I bloody love you, man!
“Ah bollocks, I’ve fallen off the sleigh again. Metaphorically. And physicalally…”