Having failed to persuade any famous musicians to perform at his inauguration ceremony, the stubby fingered President-elect has turned to his trusty sidekick, Nigel Farage, to provide the musical entertainment.
It is believed that the former and probably future UKIP leader is to hold millions of viewers worldwide spellbound with lazily hummed renditions of classic wartime songs such as ‘We’ll Meet Again’, ‘The White Cliffs of Dover’, ‘Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy’ and ‘Don’t Sit under the Apple Tree with Anyone Else but Me’.
All of which will be performed while clutching a pint of sturdy warm ale and with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth.
“He’s gonna be great, so good, it will be tremendous,” announced Trump to anyone within earshot.
He went on “The Donald is going to have the best inauguration. Obama may have had Beyoncé perform at his, but she said no to perform at mine, even though we didn’t ask her – never happened. Sad.
“The Donald only wants the best, and the best is what we’ve got.
“Nigel is going to be the great, better than Beyoncé, definitely. Now there’s someone who’s crazy in love, I can tell you.”
According to sources the bloated amber dictator is looking forward to celebrating being sworn into office, but has naturally decreed a ban on any Mexican waves during the ceremony.