Sextortion scandal as Michael Gove threatens to get his wang out

Michael Gove is threatening to flop it out on the table unless he starts getting taken seriously around here.

The MP cum haunted ventriloquist’s dummy made the announcement in the wake of reports confirming that cases of “sextortion”, where one is blackmailed following a bit of Skype fun, are on the rise.

“And like all horrible things, Michael is using it to his advantage,” confirmed government spokesperson, Jay Cooper.

“He essentially went up to the Prime Minister and said ‘either give me the foreign office, or I’m going to scar everyone for life. Your choice, cupcake’.

“It was an unusually brash move to be made in the Prime Minister’s office, but no more offensive than the idea of Nigel Farage becoming a UK ambassador.”

A spokesperson for the Prime Minister said, “Theresa May will absolutely not give in to the blackmail of Michael Gove.

“The threat of his penis being waved around is nowhere near as disturbing of the thought of him in the foreign office, and certainly nowhere near as significant, if you know what I mean.”