Friday 25 November 2016 by JS Harding

Lanky shopper terrorising shortarses by demanding they reach stuff for him from the bottom shelves

Supermarket shelves

A mysterious, lanky supermarket shopper has caused confusion and outrage among shortarses by sarcastically asking them to ‘just get that jar off the bottom shelf for me, would you?’

Known only as ‘Lofty’, the giant grocery gatherer has been terrorising vertically minimal shoppers in the Dunstable area who for years have roamed the aisles, demanding that the very tall grab toilet rolls, cat food and offal down for them.

Ethel Cardew, a little old dear and long time user of lanky grabbers, said “I saw this big tall git near the catnip and I was just going to ask him to pass me down some Sheba when he suddenly demanded that I reach down and grab a six pack of Winalot off the bottom shelf for him!

“I just ran away, screaming, towards the boiled sweet section.”

Simon Williams, manager of Tesco Dunstable, told reporters, “Local grans are up in arms. Not very far up, but they’re bloody confused, I can tell you.

“We just can’t afford for the tall and short demographics to clash like this. There is no way I can free up my staff to deal with the issue when they’ve got their hands full dealing with those simpletons who still don’t understand how the self service tills work.

“Equilibrium needs restoring to the aisles.”

Williams revealed he has spoken to the Police, who are urging the public that should they see the big streak of piss not to approach or engage in conversation with him, and definitely don’t attempt to wind him up by enquiring of the weather conditions up there or by referring to him as the BFG.

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