Families across America will tonight spend the evening giving thanks for everything they have, before waking up in the morning prepared to kill for things they don’t need.
Thanksgiving meals throughout the United States will see happy smiling faces content at what life has so far given them, sure in the knowledge that they will happily gouge out the eyes of their fellow man for a discount games console tomorrow morning.
Texas resident Chuck Williams told us, “This is a truly wonderful time of year, and it helps me realise I live a blessed life, clearly.
“I have a decent job, my kids are healthy, and I’m pretty happy most of the time – but tomorrow morning, that won’t stop me punching an old lady in the face to get a TV that is an inch or two bigger than the one I am currently very thankful for having.
“It’s nothing personal, I hope she understands, but I can’t let anyone or anything stand between me and a bargain-priced item I didn’t even know I wanted.”
Consumer analysts have explained that putting Black Friday so close to Thanksgiving is not only amusing, but also allows those outside the country to get a more accurate perspective on what it means to be American today.
As one told us, “To the outsider looking in, they look like a bunch of primitive savages fighting over a carcass – but the carcass is a shiny electrical thing none of them even knew existed yesterday.”
However, Williams went on, “It’s the American way. Be thankful for what you have, before being manipulated by corporations into believing that what you have is actually a load of old shit that has to be replaced.
“God bless America.”