Leaked memo shows government has no idea how to polish a turd

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A leaked memo has shown that the government currently has no turd-polishing strategy in place, and is unlikely to have one for at least six months.

The memo went on to explain that ministers across the government have differing views on the best way to polish the turd, and that as yet they are not even close to a consensus.

The document reads, “Boris Johnson is in favour of baking the turd for a bit then applying a spit and shine technique, whereas David Davis wants to do something delicate with clear nail polish. It’s a complete shambles.

“Phillip Hammond has admitted that a shine of any description is now increasingly unlikely, whatever course we take, and wants to try rolling it in glitter instead – something that is unlikely to satisfy the hard-right who are demanding a turd you can see your face in.”

The Prime Minister has asked ministers to put a plan in place for the worst case scenario, with each department admitting that such an outcome always end up with everyone covered in shit.

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Leadership appears to be lacking, with the memo concluding by saying, “The problems seem to begin at the top, and despite being repeatedly asked for guidance, Theresa May merely insists that a shiny turd means a shiny turd.”