Removal of Marmite makes Brexit all worthwhile

author avatar by 8 years ago

Marmite vanishing from Supermarket shelves is the first major Brexit victory, campaigners have confirmed.

Marmite, a noxious, tar-like substance which was invented for mending leaky pipes, has been sold as a foodstuff for many years but is being withdrawn after the pound reaching parity with chocolate coins caused a dispute over pricing.

A jubilant David Davis told the House of Commons that Britain was finally free of the Marmite scourge, and advised the vanishingly small minority of people who claim to ‘like’ the stuff to ‘get over it’.

“Consumers have no cause for concern”, he told MPs. “Despite Marmite and many other foodstuffs vanishing from shelves, plans are already in hand to make available proper, British-made Soylent Green.

“I can confirm that this exciting, tasty new foodstuff will be made entirely from Ethically-sourced British, er, produce.

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“There is simply no truth in the claim that marmite being withdrawn from Supermarkets is mentioned in both the Book of Revelations and Nostradamus, and ask that people stop scaremongering.”

Consumers are warned that many shops are still stocking Marmite rival Vegemite, which is made from the distilled essence of the Dark Young of Shub-Niggurath and should only be approached by a trained exorcist.