Octopus angrily rejects comparison to Donald Trump

Accusations that Donald Trump ‘touched women like an Octopus’ have led to an angry rejection from the Cephalopod community today.

Insisting that the tentacle/ human relations seen in eye-watering Japanese movies were ‘not representative’ of the wider community, Octopi are up in arms over their depiction as serial gropers in popular media.

Octopi have said that they don’t even fancy human women, but if anyone has a set of bagpipes they’ll have a go as they’ve got sexy knickers on and they moan wonderfully in bed.

If anything, the only time an Octopus touches a woman is when it’s been battered and fried in rings, which is hardly consensual in the other direction.

“Yes, I’ve sometimes touched women, but only once in the sort of Japanese film that really creepy blokes talk about a lot,” an octopus who asked to remain anonymous told us.

“It was just the once, but I was young and really needed the money,” he clarified.

“The only one who acts towards women like that most of the time is old Uncle Cthulhu when he’s got a few drinks inside him and the stars are right, and he’s a complete embarrassment.

“So if you’re gong to compare Donald Trump to anyone, there’s your candidate: molests women with slimy tentacles and builds horrendous, cyclopean towers that twist your sanity before refusing to pay his contractors.”