Obnoxious bitch training for GP receptionists hailed as a ‘great success’

Government figures show the ‘obnoxious bitch’ training given to all 7,875 GP receptionist staff has been a complete success, with waiting times drastically reduced due to nobody bothering going to see their GP anymore.

“There’s no fucking way I’m confronting that miserable unhelpful obnoxious bitch again, I will never ever go back to that local surgery, not if my life depends on it,” explained Derek Edmonds who has been suffering from rectal bleeding, diarrhoea and abdominal pain for weeks.

He suspects he might have something seriously wrong with him, but insists he would rather die quietly in his own home than wage another war with the appointment Nazis to secure some time with his GP.

The training objective was to form a grumpy barrier between those needing healthcare and those that can deliver it, “and do you know what,” explained government healthcare spokesperson Simon Williams “we’ve not only gone and delivered on our promise, we’ve smashed it out of the park.”

Receptionists are tested for happiness levels every morning, anyone displaying any signs is pummelled in the forehead with a broom handle until their ears bleed.

Painful toe clamps are worn under the desk by receptionists at all times and waterboarding during their lunch hours is carried out if any form of helpfulness is displayed towards the public.

“Sometimes I pretend to be an automated phone system,” said one anonymous receptionist.

“I can run the patient through to automated option 17, and when I hear the patients begin to cry I put the phone down, that’s when I know I have done a good job.”

Government inclusion specialists said the term ‘bitch’ in this instance could be used for both female and male reception staff, as the word was less a description of females specifically, and more of anyone interacting with the public in a total ‘cunt faced’ manner.