Government Business Secretary Sajid Javid has authorised fracking anywhere in the country except near his house.
“Shale gas can secure power for the UK for generations,” he said, interrupting an expensive lunch with some Cuadrilla executives.
“So, it is important that we take steps to harness that energy as soon as possible.
“Unless, it’s near me, obviously.
“I mean, I’m sure it’s perfectly safe, but I don’t want fire coming out of my taps, weird smells, and giant radioactive monsters emerging from the bowels of the earth and disturbing the school run.”
Mr Javid went on to announce the location of new fracking sites.
“We have authorised fracking to take place at two sites in Lunk…Lenk…Lancashire, which I understand is in a place called ‘the North’.
“Obviously, this ‘North’ place isn’t something I’m terribly familiar with but I am confident that it’s nowhere near me and therefore, therefore I’m sure they’ll all be fine with the pollution, increased traffic, noise, and general environmental ruination.”
Mr Javid went on to explain the reasons behind his decision.
“Well, these Cuadrilla chaps are really, really wealthy and, frankly, as a Tory, that’s all I need.”
Mr Javid then excused himself to return to his lunch.
“It’s roast swan in a diamond reduction. With chips.
“I bloody love Cuadrilla.”