Theresa May to announce major investment in white dog poo, Betamax and beige

Theresa May will use today’s Conservative Party conference speech to unveil plans for white dog poo, Betamax and beige that works for everyone, not just the few.

With the UK abandoning any pretence of looking forwards, Mrs May will announce major reinvestments in things you don’t see anymore.

In a withering attack on the future, the prime minister will say: “I want a Britain where white dog poo can be found in every park and play area. A Britain where pornographic magazines lay discarded in hedgerows. A Britain that views boil-in-the-bag cod in parsley sauce as a miracle of modern science.”

The Conservative Party’s director of communications Jim Davidson said the prime minister’s speech will herald the beginning of a “beige new world”.

“If you can’t listen to the prime minister’s speech live then get someone to record it by placing a cassette recorder in front of the wireless,” he said.

“For those that don’t have a cassette recorder, full details of the speech will be available on Ceefax.”

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