Wednesday 5 October 2016 by Danny Soz

Britain’s women shiver in coldest October since exaggerating and whining began

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According to reports, the recent early October coolish snap has brought on a sustained bout of complaining and exaggerating from British women that has exceeded the previous record, set on 3rd October 1984, when the mercury plunged to 15 degrees Celsius overnight.

It is estimated that around 97% of British women have begun complaining to their partners about the temperature inside the house, using terms like ‘I’m frozen bloody stiff’ and ‘It’s like an ice well in this damn place’.

Many are reported to be already walking around the house with duvets draped around their shoulders, or are sitting watching television wearing long cardigans, woolly hats, and with cups of steaming Bovril in their hands.

A number of British men have claimed that they came home from work to find the central heating turned up to the maximum setting with their wives or partners sitting in front of an electric fan heater or a log fire in their dressing gowns, fleecy pyjamas, and bootee-style, fluffy slippers that look like rabbits.

We spoke to one woman from Croydon in South London, where the mercury plummeted to 14 degrees Celsius on two consecutive nights earlier this week, who told us: “It’s been absolutely horrendous. I’ve had the heating going full blast morning, noon and night this week. It doesn’t help that I’ve got my period which makes me feel cold at the best of times. My partner moans like hell about the cost, but it’s all right for him out there working on a building site. The exercise alone keeps the selfish sod warm.”

With weathermen forecasting no end to ‘The Big Slightly Cool Spell’, British men are now facing the grim prospect of watching television in just their underpants with sweat running down their bodies. Many have already reported sleeping on the floor after the heat from the electric blanket, an 18 tog winter duvet and five more blankets had become unbearable.

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