Wednesday 5 October 2016 by Davywavy

Bear Grylls to attempt to survive two weeks as UKIP leader

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Survival expert Bear Grylls is to attempt his toughest challenge yet – lasting two weeks as leader of UKIP.

As another hopeful staggered away from the party, Grylls announced his intention to ‘achieve the impossible’ and stay in the top job for fourteen straight days, if not longer.

When asked if he thought staying in post as leader of UKIP for a whole fortnight would stretch his abilities, Grylls said he’d drunk his own piss to survive before now and didn’t see the role as overly different.

Grylls is understood to be ‘pumped up’ for the task, having recently got through the entire Labour conference wearing an Owen Smith supporters T-shirt and suffered only minor burns and contusions.

“I’m not denying leading UKIP will be tough; stuck alone in a cultural wasteland and surrounded by savages, I’ll have to live on my wits”, he told us.

“There’ll be no modern facilities, so I’ll have to scavenge for food for thought and refreshment for the soul and just take whatever I can get.”

“On the plus side I expect it to be jolly tidy now Diane James has been returned to her proper role as a woman.”

I think, therefore I am (not a UKIP supporter) – get the t-shirt!

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