StarFleet has ordered an immediate enquiry after an Ensign returned completely unharmed from an away mission.
Ensign Simon Williams accompanied Captain James T. Kirk to the planet Trebalis IV, where he was was not shot, stabbed, sprayed by hypnotic plants or attacked by a salt-sucking monster, leading to questions being asked at the highest echelons of the United Federation of Planets.
Early reports suggest that Williams, 34, had been attacked by a vile alien vegetable-based frond-monster, but it turned out he had just walked into a tree and suffered no injuries.
Star Fleet ran a barrage of tests in the hope that some vile fate may have befallen Williams while he was off-camera or during an advert break, but every scan came up negative.
In fact, replays of the ships captain’s log indicate that the mission was a failure from start to finish, with Captain Kirk failing to shag any green or blue women during the extraterrestrial sojourn.
“We just don’t know what went wrong,” Admiral Dougherty of the Federation Council told us.
“At no point did an alien life-form attach itself to William’s back and turn him evil; we can only apologise to his family for our high standards of care in this instance and pledge lessons have been learned to ensure it will not happen again.
“We did hope the Ensign might be evolving into a creature of pure thought and move to a new stage of consciousness, leaving us all in awe at the mysterious majesty of the universe, but instead he’s sat in commissary drinking Betazoid Jestral Tea.
“With no ill effects, God dammit.”
When asked, Ensign Williams expressed dismay that everyone seemed so keen for something terrible to befall him.
“It’s like they think it’s all I’m here for,” he said.
“A guy could get paranoid he’s just some kind of ablative shield for senior officers.
“I’ve asked Dr McCoy to join me for a meal to talk it over. AAArrrrrgh!”