First episode of the Great British Bake-off watched by 63% of the world’s population

author avatar by 8 years ago

4.6 billion people tuned into the first episode of Great British Bake-off on Wednesday evening, that’s approximately 63% of everyone in the world!

“That’s fine, I suppose, I’m disappointed not to hit 5 billion, though,” said Mary Berry, a nice old cake lady who is more popular than Jesus Christ, ice-cream and blow-jobs.

Early estimates have it that every man woman and child in the UK watched the episode, leading to a record 980,000 gallons of tea being brewed in the ten minutes prior to the episode starting.

Every single country on the planet scheduled the episode and it is understood that the isolated Sentinelese tribe on India’s Andaman Islands made first contact with modern civilisation specifically to ask if they could borrow a television. It is understood that they carefully took down the recipe for the Gin and Tonic cake.

Temporary ceasefires were brokered in the Somali civil war, the war in Afghanistan and the Boko Haram insurgency to give civilians and soldiers alike the chance to enjoy the bakers’ attempts to make Jaffa Cakes.

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It is expected that every human being alive will watch episode 2, episode 3 will be broadcast into the afterlife so that everyone who has ever lived can watch it, and NASA is currently working on technology that will broadcast episodes 4 onwards across the universe to be enjoyed until the end of time.