American swimmer Ryan Lochte has made a statement to US police after all his lucrative endorsements were ‘stolen’ from him at some point in the last few days.
The gold medal winning swimmer is understood to have lost his major contracts, believed to have been worth over £100,000 annually, under mysterious circumstances which may have involved a considerable amount of mickey taking by incredulous sponsors.
A spokesman for the thick-as-pig-shit swimmer said, “Ryan has confirmed that the endorsements were in place a week ago, but were brutally taken from him one by one since he got back from Rio.
“He’s claiming he was jumped by a number of men in suits who took from him what was rightfully his – and he wants it all back.”
It is understood that Lochte has had difficulty interpreting terms such as “it’s over”, “you’re finished” and “for fuck’s sake, Ryan”, mistaking them for threats of violence from people dressed like a major brand’s sponsorship manager.
Lochte’s most recent Tweet reads, “I trust the authorities, and I’m confident that the bastards who stole my endorsements will be found.”