Construction has already begun on a secret military facility beneath the Tokyo 2020 stadium as Japan prepares to host the next Olympics, we can report.
The base will be used to keep genetically engineered telepathic children, monsters from the depths of the sea and what has only been described as a ‘gigantic writhing mass’ in suspended animation to prevent them running amok during the games.
The IOC was critical of plans to create the terrors outlined in the application to host the games, but were reassured by the ‘state of the art’ security and cryogenic freezing facility which make it all-but-certain nothing can possibly go wrong.
The army is understood to be furious at the scale of the spending, arguing that the money would be far better invested in giant robot research.
“After the protests in Rio we are very keen to ensure that any disruption is kept to a minimum, and the Japanese planning team have reassured us that any screaming crowds of people will be running away from the Olympic venue rather than towards it,” IOC spokesman Simon Williams told us.
“Obviously, we would have preferred there not to be any malformed children with hideous supernatural powers involved at all, but it’s important to the IOC that we are sensitive and accommodating to local cultures when making the decision where to host the games.
“Furthermore, the Japanese government has drawn up plans to release a colossal fire-breathing Tyrannosaur into Tokyo Bay during the sailing regatta to fight off any gigantic squid or hideous alien monsters who might disrupt the women’s 470 dinghy event with unwanted tentacled intrusion.”
Already preparing for the opening ceremony, the Tokyo Olympic committee have suggested that the flame could be lit by firing an orbital laser weapon and have criticised the nimbyism of local residents who object to the obliteration of half the city just for a show.
“At this rate we’ll have no choice but to have the flame lit by a girl crawling out of a television, which won’t be the same at all,” we were told.
Several overseas teams have already objected to new rules introduced for the games that all female competitors costumes must be based on a French maid’s outfit.