Old people are to be handed over to Professor Willow and turned into candy in a major shakeup of the care system.
The Professor is expected to turn them into Werther’s Originals to be fed to other pensioners which experts predict will ultimately result in a small number of hugely powerful old folk, who will battle with each other for control of the remote control.
The change will remove a ‘considerable burden’ from the care system, which is widely understood to be creaking at the seams, and instead provide entertainment for the wider community.
Children will be encouraged to capture the elderly and bring them to Willow in exchange for prizes and social media recognition, and are already congregating at WI meetings and National Trust properties in readiness.
“Old people live in every corner of this earth,” Professor Willow told us.
“Some live in sheltered accommodation, whilst others drive very slowly or take their cat for a walk on a lead.”
Some of the elderly have criticised the plans saying it would make them feel uncomfortable around children on their phone, but most have acknowledged they already are anyway.
The proposal has been met positively in other quarters, with the change being described as ‘better than Soylent Green’.