Pollen actually vegetable bukkake, hay fever sufferers told

Hayfever sufferers say that thinking of pollen as ‘vegetable bukkake’ really doesn’t help a bit.

Sufferers of the malady claim they have very little enough fun at this time of year, and they’d be grateful if people didn’t make it worse by describing pollen as ‘tree spaff’ when they’re around.

‘Shrub jizz’, ‘Grass goo’ and ‘Greenery semen’ are also right out, thank you very much.

People with hayfever went on to confirm that the mental image of their misery being caused by whopping great dollops of Sycamore baby gravy splashing all over the shop is actually deeply unsettling and they’d be grateful if everyone would stop pointing it out.

“Every year at this time, plant life everywhere ejaculates a gigantic load of fresh pollen right in your face,” said plant biologist Dr Simon Williams with more enthusiasm than we were strictly comfortable with.

“Great gouts of lovely fresh pollen flying through the air, uncontrollably spattering all over the place.

“If you think of all the trees in the park as a circle of naked, middle-aged Japanese men surrounding you then you’re on the right lines.”

Dr Williams was then bundled into a straightjacket and dragged away.

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