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British medal hopeful Tom Daley has announced that he will compete at this summer’s Olympics games wearing nothing but an expression of quiet determination.
Speaking after the launch of the Team GB Olympic kit, Daley claimed that the trunks Stella McCartney has designed for him leave so little to the imagination that he has decided to dispense with them altogether and dive stark bollock naked.
“I was at the launch”, says Daley “and it felt like I was in one of those dreams that people sometimes have about going into the office without any clothes on.
“Everyone one is looking at you and the Brownlee brothers are sniggering and making jokes about having chipolatas for lunch.
“I wondered whether I’d done something to upset Stella and she was punishing me by making me do the Olympics in my tiny pants.
‘Anyway, I realised that I won’t be able to concentrate if I’m standing on the board before my three-and-a-half reverse somersault with tuck and all I’m thinking about is whether anyone can see little Tom.
“So I decided ‘what the hell’, why not go the Full Monty and be done with it?”
Meanwhile, Stella McCartney has defended her designs for the Team GB kit.
“My brief was to think outside the box, and I think I’ve delivered,” says McCartney.
“I believe the designs are provocative but tasteful.”
“I’ve also managed to bring the job in under budget by making Tom’s trunks from the leftover material I cut out from the weightlifting team’s fingerless gloves.”
“One whole pair from each fingertip.”
