Playing musical instruments leads to death, finds Daily Mail

The Daily Mail has today warned of the dangers of musical instruments after experts linked the deaths of several high-profile people to time spent playing them.

The Mail claims that playing musical equipment such as guitar, piano and even bass can dramatically increase your chances of suffering a high-profile death.

The paper claims that ‘experts’ had found a definitive link between musicality and being dead, and therefore recommended that readers avoid musical instruments wherever possible.

It wrote, “We’re not in the habit of scaring people for no reason, but JESUS CHRIST this is terrifying news for absolutely everyone everywhere.

“Some people are dying literally hours after playing on an instrument, and it seems that even if you haven’t really played an instrument in years, the risks are still extremely high.

“The research we conducted goes back many years, and we discovered that every single Lute player born between 300BC and 1900 is now dead, and we’re sure it’s just a matter of time for those born after that.”

“We recommend destroying every instrument you lay your eyes on, and be careful to keep your children away from potentially toxic music lessons. Be safe out there.”

The Mail concluded by teasing tomorrow’s front page story that “not playing an instrument can give you cancer”.

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