The Daily Express has denied engaging in any form of journalism following the reaction of the ‘newspaper’ to the panama papers news story.
“It has been suggested that the Daily Express is guilty of shoddy journalism after reacting to the Mossack Fonseca leak by running a front page about walnuts using magic to prevent heart disease,” said Daily Express publisher and pornographer Richard Desmond.
“This is, of course, utter nonsense. The daily Express has never engaged in any form of journalism, either shoddy or otherwise.”
Mr Desmond then went on to defend his newspaper’s record of non-journalism.
“For many years now, the Daily Express has been a beacon of Princess Diana conspiracy theories, outlandish weather news, baseless health claims, and racism.
“I want to take this opportunity to reassure the thousands of bigoted simpletons that buy the Daily Express that we will never deviate from our core philosophy of ignoring any and all news.”
Daily Express reader and bigoted simpleton Simon Williams was reassured.
“Yeah, that’s good. I’d hate it if the Express started doing boring things like politics and that, I just want to know that temperatures are going to rocket next weekend and that Muslims are still awful.”
Tomorrows Daily Express headline is a world exclusive on how Kitkats prevent necrotizing fasciitis.