All cinema trips planned around likelihood of wankers

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The potential for tosspots is the key factor in all trips to the movies.

With cinema attendance at an all-time high, so too is the likelihood of sitting next to someone grazing on popcorn, talking loudly to their companion or laughing far too hard at a joke they clearly haven’t understood properly.

“Friday and Saturday nights are out, obviously,” said movie buff, Simon Williams.

“That’s when unimaginative men bring their girlfriends so they may legitimately ignore them, and when groups of teenagers choose to spend twelve quid a head to natter into their mobiles for ninety minutes.

“Then of course at half-term there will be some wanker-parent who brings little Timmy along to 18-cert movies because he’s ‘mature enough to handle it’, and then leaves after ten minutes because the little bastard won’t stop crying.

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“These days the only time I will ever go to the cinema is at 9:45am on a Tuesday.

“They generally only show art-house shite at that time but it’s worth it for the sheer feeling of serenity and not wanting to deck the chair-kicking prick sat behind you.”