Prominent Republican Mitt Romney’s hooded, bound corpse has been found alongside the trash behind Donald Trump’s skyscraper in New York.
“It’s early days,” said Police Chief Simon Williams
“But if I had to guess, I’d say Mr Romney was slayed gangland style. Probably the result of upsetting the wrong person, you know what I’m saying.”
In an unrelated incident, Mr Romney attacked Republican front-runner Donald Trump on Wednesday in the strongest terms, accusing him of bullying, misogyny and dishonesty in a speech in Utah on Thursday.
He went missing shortly afterwards, after being followed into the bathroom by several large men, one who bore a striking resemblance to Chris Christie.
“Hey, we here at Trump Towers are shocked and dismayed at this senseless slaying of this guy. This Romney guy,” said Mr Trump after hearing the news.
“You know, no matter how disrespectful he was.”
Mr Trump pledged to help bring Mr Romney’s killers to justice.
“I got a lot of friends amongst New York’s finest,” he said.
“Some good friends, and they know that if they make sure the right person gets pinched for this, I’ll be grateful. Very grateful.”
He ended with a thought on the killing.
“Listen, I’m not saying the little rat deserved to get popped, but if this sends a message that perhaps certain people need to be treated with a little more respect, then maybe that’s no bad thing.”