A coalition of more than 60 nations has agreed to use airstrikes to prevent people posting Star Wars spoilers this morning.
After a late-night debate at the United Nations, the Security Council were unanimous in their view that spoilers present an “unprecedented” threat to peace and security and called upon member states with the capability to take “all necessary steps” to suppress spoilers in their territory, and internationally.
As a pre-emptive measure, the USS Abraham Lincoln fired a volley of cruise missiles against the Daily Mail Sidebar of Shame on general principles.
The headquarters of Aintitcoolnews.com were levelled shortly afterwards as a precaution, with editor Harry Knowles being indefinitely detained at Guantanamo Bay.
Prime Minister Theresa May is to seek Parliamentary approval for the RAF to join direct action, pointing out that university campuses across Britain were a “breeding ground for extreme spoilers”, and insisting it was vital to tackle the problem directly before the information was allowed to spread.
“We can not let these people and their twisted ideology ruin the lives of so many British citizens,” she told parliament.
However, Jeremy Corbyn, Chairman of the Stop the Star Wars group, has refused to support the government, and instead invited people who had attended last night’s premiere to “tell all” in a bid to engage and promote dialogue.
His Holiness the Pope has called for forgiveness and understanding of all sinners, but stressed that if anyone breathes one word of the plot he’ll see to it personally they get a one-way ticket to Hell.