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George Osborne has today confirmed that austerity was totally necessary in order to build up a £200bn anti-terror war chest.
The Chancellor claims an extra £200 billion is required to pummel the shit out of Syria, together with an extra five billion he found down the back of a sofa.
Osborne says the only way to defeat groups like ISIS is with more expensive bombs that produce a lot more smoke.
“If there’s one thing this job has taught me, it’s that you don’t solve a problem by throwing money at it,” he told us.
“Unless it’s a war.”
“It’s a different matter for those on the ‘front line’ of public services, which is why your Nan won’t be getting that new hip she was promised.”
Osborne has earmarked a further £20m for a terror attack warning system, which will be a new remix of Two Tribes by Frankie Goes To Hollywood.
“When Holly Johnson yells ‘Hurrrrgh!’ – you and your family must take cover,” Osborne warned.
He added, “We have yet to formulate an exit strategy for any of these forthcoming wars – that will cost more money.”
“But we do have one for your Nan.”
