A morbidly obese gun owner is still waiting to be in the right place at the right time to stop a massacre over twenty years after buying his first weapon, we can exclusively report.
Simon-Bob Williams, of Tulsa, Oklahoma, who possesses a substantial collection of powerful firearms, has been patiently looking out for his chance for more than two decades and remains undeterred by his failure to have prevented any one of the 2,916 mass shootings in that time.
Simon-Bob, who finds stairs and single doorways a challenge, remains optimistic despite by his ongoing failure to prevent an atrocity because, as he points out, ‘nobody else has either’, and so he can still be first if the chance arises.
Interviewed, Simon-Bob told us that ideally the mass shooting would occur whilst he’s at the mall purchasing his weekly catering-sized tub of marshmallow fluff, and that he ‘open carries’ in readiness for such an event.
“There’d be some junked-up hopheads decide to take a shot at decent folk at the mall, and there I’d be,” he told us with a misty-eyed expression.
“It don’t matter if they’re some 300lb beanpole who can do a pushup, I’m ready for them.
“I’d do a perfectly executed combat roll out of the K-Mart, nimbly dodge their inexpertly aimed shots and pew pew pew pew pew.
“America,” he added, dreamily.
“Then I’d be a hero and I’d get go on Jerry Springer and to do it with a wumman who weighs less than 450lbs.”
Simon-Bob, who has not been able to see his own penis without a mirror since 1994, regularly trains at the local range in preparation for his day of heroism, or any other situation where his prowess with a firearm might change the world.
“The gumment might decide to send soldiers to take my guns,” he told us.
“Then pew pew pew pew pew.