Stanton on Saturday

author avatar by 8 years ago

Newsthump stalwart, Gary Stanton, provides commentary on this week’s shenanigans in one thousand words or fewer.

Edward Heath is barely cold in the ground and already trendy left-wing pundits are queuing up to trash his so-called reputation. So let’s focus on the positives. Heath could drive a yacht. How many wealthy conservatives in their seventies can claim to do that? And when not dabbling in politics, the squinty-eyed right-winger and keen xylophonist inspired a generation of young astronomers through his TV programme The Sky At Night.

After leaving politics, Heath provided advice to the fledgling New Romantic scene, where his yachting knowledge prevented Simon Le Bon from drowning during the filming of “Rio”. Heath’s timely advice that Le Bon should spread his weight more evenly while dangling from the yacht’s bow is likely to have kept the movement alive and firmly centred on Birmingham. Nobody can say for certain whether the Duran Duran frontman would have floated and anyone who says they can is a fool. After all, clowning around on a yacht is as irresponsible as, say, not seeking professional advice about deep-seated psycho-sexual urges that manifest in a love of the free market.

Important questions still need to be asked. Did Heath engineer Britain’s 1973 entry into the Common Market, so that he could access Danish child pornography? The Danish porn laws weren’t changed until 1980, when the serving Danish PM, Birgitte Nyborg, received a stern letter from Margaret Thatcher in Danish. Unfortunately, archives show that Thatcher’s letter mistranslated the Danish word for ‘paedophile’ as ‘toaster’, meaning lengthy delays for anyone in receipt of Danish electrical goods.

Were the power blackouts of the 1970s permitted so that Heath, or “Teddy” as he preferred to be known, could cruise unseen past primary schools in a Ford Cortina, while pretending to like the Bay City Rollers? During the Three Day Week, did anyone ask what Heath was getting up to on the Thursday and Friday? If the answer was ‘stocking up on candles for the Kensington Bridge Club’, why did nobody ask for receipts? Churchill famously said that a day spent away from his beloved Chartwell was a day wasted. Did it not raise eyebrows when Heath said the same thing about a bouncy castle?

Either way, Heath is no longer around to defend himself, which is why he should be given the chance from beyond the grave. If there is one thing we are not short of as a nation, it is kosher mediums providing verifiable facts from the hereafter. Heath should allow his eternal vital essence to be cross-examined by TV medium Derek Acorah and his trusty, dead sidekick Sam, because bringing to justice dead seventies’ paedophiles is a gap in the Judge Judy market.

“Sam’s tellin’ me I’ve gorra former Prime Minister here. He’s givin’ me the colour blue. This spirit person liked the seaside etc..”

Being in light entertainment, Acorah will know only too well the advice ‘Never work with children or animals.’ Unless you’re a 1970’s Danish pornographer.