Cutting police funding will inevitably lead to chiroptera-themed vigilantes dealing out brutal justice on British streets, the head of the police union declared today.
Steve White, chair of the Police Federation, said with less officers and equipment available the average plod would be forced to turn to unhinged costumed billionaires to support them.
“My members are very concerned that as these cuts grow the only way to ensure support is by shining a massive light in the sky and wait for a revenge-driven superhero to come and bail them out with ninja-style punching and a range of bat-themed gadgets.
“And that just undermines the whole idea behind policing with consent.”
And whilst children and bored sociopathic mimes welcomed the possibility, renowned vigilantologist Justine Noir commented; “The problem with turning to Batman for support is you just don’t know what you’re going to get.
“And whilst your Nolan-Batman is great for dealing with violent street-gangs and such, he’s very bad at giving out advice.
“Mainly because you can’t understand a damn word he says.
“Even worse is your Frank Millar Goddamn Batman who would no doubt dole out broken arms for littering and spinal fractures for fare dodgers.
“And in this cynical age no one is really going to take the 60s Batman particularly seriously. Even in that frankly awesome car.
“Of course if you’re really unlucky you’ll get a Clooney Batman. Complete with the Bat-nipples.”
“Oh dear God, the Bat-nipples.
“Can’t we all agree it’s best to just pay the police what they want.”