Flexible working hours extended to Dolly Parton

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Dolly Parton will no longer have to work from nine to five under flexible new employment laws, David Cameron has announced.

The PM insisted that flexible working, previously reserved for those looking after children, is to be extended to include generously proportioned Country and Western singers.

TUC’s general secretary Frances O’Grady said “Workin’ nine to five is no way to make a livin’. Many of our members are barely gettin’ by – it’s all takin’ and no givin’.”

O’ Grady went on to accuse employers of using peoples’ minds and never giving them credit.

“It’s enough to drive you crazy if you let it,” he told us.

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Flexible working

The change in the law comes less than a week after the government introduced tough new Health & Safety legislation to prevent employees from tumbling out of bed and stumbling to the kitchen.

New regulations, which come into force from September will also ensure that employees are properly supervised when attempting to pour themselves a cup of ambition.

However, the CBI complained that flexible working would merely increase the number of people who say they’re working from home, but mysteriously turn their mobiles off.

The government expects the scheme to be of particular interest to songwriters in abusive relationships and older workers considering lunchtime Botox appointments.