Labour leader Ed Miliband has announced a policy that will see the creation of even more financial organisations to tell you, ‘No, you can’t have the money’.
The announcement comes as Miliband seeks to find ways of increasing the competition among organisations whose sole purpose is to deny you access to what is essentially your own money anyway.
“We see it as critical to the ongoing success of the banking sector that new banks are given the opportunity to act like despicable scumbags to people when they really need their help,” Miliband told reporters.
“The current banks have had it their own way for far too long, and I am confident that new blood into the sector will help redefine the ways that banks can make you feel like a tiny worthless piece of shit.”
Critics of the plan say that this will merely allow a number of US banks to enter the highly lucrative UK high street sector.
One UK banking customer told us, “I heard that in the US, after they get you to fill in all the forms, and just before they tell you they’d rather set fire to themselves than lend you the money for a new car, they give you a free pen?”
“We don’t get anything like that level of service over here, so this plan can only be good for the UK consumer.”
Banking organisations from all over the world are expected to bid for the right to fleece UK customers when the Miliband-led fire-sale begins.
Several Italian families have also expressed an interest in offering lending facilities to UK customers, and the Labour leader is said to be considering an offer that is “too good to refuse”.