Government announces plans to tax Alan Pardew’s swear jar

author avatar by 9 years ago

Chancellor George Osborne has announced plans to reduce the fiscal deficit by introducing a tax on the swear jar of potty-mouthed Newcastle manager Alan Pardew.

After being caught swearing wildly at Manchester City Manager Manuel Pellegrini during his team’s 2-0 defeat this weekend, the government has moved to exploit this massive new revenue opportunity.

A spokesperson for the Treasury told us, “We don’t like to implement tax changes without a full cost benefit analysis, but frankly, much like the person we’re taxing, this is a complete no-brainer.”

“Based on our forecasts, a 50p tax rate on all swear jar contributions by St James’ Park management could see our £25bn deficit halved in just 12 months.”

“And it’s in cash, which as I’m sure you know means we can avoid that costly tax return nonsense. Like your income tax, we’ll just capture it at source.”

“Of course, these figures rely on Newcastle continuing to be a bit shite, but our experts insist things look pretty good on that front.”

“And you know, if Arsene Wenger could make a derisory offer for Yohan Cobaye then that would really kick the revenue generation off for us.”

Alan Pardew swear jar

The Newcastle manager reacted with anger at the news, insisting he would fight any decision to start taxing the expletives that regularly leave the front of his face.

He told us, “If that old c**t thinks he can f*cking tax me just for f*cking saying f*ck or c**t then he’s got another f*cking think coming.”

“I’ll shove his f*cking tax demand so far up his f*cking arse his mouth will start looking like a f*cking fax machine.”

Pardew’s reaction was welcomed by the Chancellor, who told us, “That’s great, he just paid for a new hospital.”