Former cabinet minister and jailbird Jonathan Aitken has been giving advice to Chris Huhne, as he faces the ‘dehumanising’ experience of being repeatedly asked to tell other immoral scumbag MPs what prison life is really like.
Like all MPs, Aitken is a despicable liar and a massive hypocrite, but for some reason he alone was singled out for prosecution in 1999.
Ever since then, he’s faced the occasional phone call from newspaper editors and radio producers alike, desperate to pay him a few hundred quid to tell other fibbing members of parliament what they can expect in the very near future.
“At first, it all seems a bit unreal”, explained Aitken.
“The noise can be disorientating and it’s hard to find your way around. But then I’m lead from my lounge to a cramped little hallway, where I answer a ringing phone.”
“Normally it’s someone from India called ‘Jeremy’ trying to sell me an iPad or fix my computer”, said the more-disgraced-than-average MP.
“But every now and then it’s the newspapers, demanding I write an advice column for some corrupt little shit from Westminster.”
Aitken described the stench of living for up to 23 hours a day in a confined space with an overflowing slop bucket.
“I should probably empty that but the bathroom’s a long way away”, he explained. “I don’t want to risk missing another phone call.”
Huhne will find the attitude of his colleagues a ‘challenge’ at first, suggested Aitken.
“They spat at me, made cat-calls and said some beastly things behind my back”, he revealed.
“In hindsight, it’s probably best not to tell journalists at the Guardian that you’re a former Tory MP.”
Aitken insisted that writing pointless tittle-tattle for the broadsheets would eventually become comfortable for Huhne. “It doesn’t have to be entirely true and you’re expected to make some of it up. There’s plenty of room for embelishment”, he said.
“Just draw on your experiences as a politician, and filling in all those parliamentary expense forms.”