Tuesday 11 September 2012 by Spacey

Ofqual threatened to flush our heads down the toilet, claim Edexcel

Exam board Edexcel have claimed that Ofqual threatened to flush their heads down the toilet if they didn’t change English GCSE grade boundaries.

Teachers have confirmed they are investigating allegations that an exam regulator issued numerous threats against an exam board, and that they won’t stop until they’ve got to the bottom of it.

“We’ve got as long as it takes,” said the general secretary of heads’ union the NAHT, Russell Hobby.

“We’ll find out the truth even if we have to sit here all day.”

Ofqual have strenuously denied the allegations, and accused Edexcel of lying just to get them in trouble.

“We didn’t do anything,” insisted Ofqual’s director of standards and research, Dennis Opposs.

“Edexcel are just squealers.”

“The stuff about flushing their heads down the toilet is rubbish, and we didn’t threaten to tell everyone that we saw them fingering their dog’s bumhole either.”

Edexcel bullying

Edexcel have revealed that they were subjected to cruel taunts about their appearance, and said that they just wanted to put an end to any rumours about their personal life.

“Suggestions that we will nosh anyone off for a couple of Benson & Hedges and a packet of Wotsits are very damaging to our reputation,” said a spokesperson.

“Name-calling isn’t the sort of example that we should be setting, and it is not what pupils expect.”

“Especially from a government department like Ofqual, who are definitely Michael Gove’s bum chum.”

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