Republicans ‘spoilt for choice’ between bible-thumping zealots

author avatar by 11 years ago

US voters have welcomed a ‘record year’ for intolerant presidential candidates, as five class-leading bigots battled it out in Iowa.

Supporters have been overwhelmed by the sheer depth of ignorance on display. All five leading contenders have demonstrated unthinking devotion to peculiar churches, with some even falling for ‘intelligent design’.

But while religious intolerance is seen as a ‘must’ in Republican elections, it isn’t enough on its own to guarantee success.

“If you want my vote this year, you’re going to have to hate a bit harder”, exclaimed Chuck Jonson, one Iowan resident seen as a thought leader in his community.

“I’ve been impressed with the quality of homophobia on display this year, there’s even been a bit of not-so casual racism. The economic situation is dire at the moment, it’s about time someone blamed it on the gays.”

Republican nominees

All leading candidates have fought hard over the key middle-ground between KKK sympathisers and those that set fire to abortion clinics.

“I love what they’ve done with the word ‘libertarian’ this year”, claimed Jonson.

“It used to be a word for a goddam communist faggot, but now it just means you pretend not to hate black people in public quite so much.”

Campaigners have worked hard to dig dirt on their rivals, and negative campaigning has again featured strongly.

It hasn’t always been successful: when an advertising agency ran a web campaign that claimed Rick Santorum was a creationism-believing misogynist who was sickened by homosexuals, they inadvertently gave him a 15-point lead.

Not all republican supporters have been entirely happy with this year’s elections, and several were violently sick when they spotted a woman standing in the caucus. But the very process of electing a candidate has been criticised by some.

“All this listening to debate and forming your own opinion, isn’t that a bit gay?”, asked Jonson.

“It’s about time we had a military dictatorship. I love a man in uniform.”