Cameron orders stricter border controls to prevent Theresa May from fleeing

David Cameron has ordered an immediate review of procedures at the UK’s border controls, after fears that lapses in passport checks could allow Theresa May to slip out of the country unnoticed.

“If a flood of ministers starts going over there, leaving their jobs, we could soon see other people being blamed for this entire debacle,” announced Cameron.

“Emigration is a serious issue, and if we start letting the wrong people out, this whole thing could blow up in my face.”

Brodie Clark, former head of the UK’s Border Force, has been heavily criticised for giving his former boss a bunk-up over a fence in Dover, a claim that Clark strongly denies.

“She threw a £20 note on the floor, and when I bent down to pick it up she tried to clamber on top of me and jump over the wall.”

“Absolutely typical, emigrants using hand-outs as an excuse to exit the country.”

Border controls

Police have issued an identikit photo of the embattled woman carrying a foreign cat, but are urging members of the public not to approach her.

As a senior officer explained, “We do not know for sure how many people she’s blamed for the border fiasco, but anyone who tries to tackle her directly could easily lose their job.”

“We’ve made one or two attempts to hold her back, but so far she’s laid off 16,000 of us.”

The UK is not the only European country facing a headache with border controls.

As the Italian home secretary explained, “The southern European states are only a yacht-trip away from the African coast or the Balkan states.”

“Keeping our coast free from desperate criminals is an impossible task, we’re sure it’s only a matter of time before Berlusconi slips through.”

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