Monday 3 October 2011

No-one gets unfairly dismissed after 23 months, insists Government

The government has increased the qualifying term for unfair dismissal to two years, after insisting that no-one is ever unfairly dismissed after 23 months.

New rules will mean it is much easier for firms to get rid of people they don’t particularly like, well beyond the current one-year limit.

A CBI spokesperson welcomed the announcement, telling reporters, “This is great news, as sometimes you don’t know until the second year that someone isn’t as good at their job as somebody else that you’d like to have that job instead.”

“But until now you couldn’t just swap them over like pawns on a chessboard because of laws and stuff. You’d have to try and train them, or put in place development plans and all that HR rubbish.”

“Thankfully it appears that all that red tape is to become a thing of the past.”

Unfair dismissal rules

The government said this was an important step in eliminating ‘unfair dismissal’ from the business vernacular entirely.

A Whitehall insider told us, “If you think about it, ‘unfair dismissal’ is something of an oxymoron, because to be dismissed you must have done something bad – and so it can’t be ‘unfair’. I don’t know how such a term even appeared in the first place to be honest.”

Small business owners claimed the move was long overdue, with one telling us, “It sounds good, as basically I can now get rid of whoever I want just because I feel like it, so long as I don’t discriminate.”

“I’ll have to take care to make sure I get rid of equal numbers of women and ethnic minorities, but I’m a closet racist with sexist tendencies so that shouldn’t be too difficult.”

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