US decides smoking not as dangerous to soldiers as missiles and bullets

American troops are not to be banned from smoking in war zones, as it poses less of a health risk than all the explosions and enemy bullets, the US Defence Department says.

The decision comes despite a recent study which recommended the US military should be tobacco-free, due to the danger it places on the health of soldiers in battle.

“We care deeply about the health of our soldiers,” said a US Defence Department spokesperson.

“Which is why we spent millions investigating the respiratory effects of smoking, instead of researching bullet proof face masks.”

Good news

The news has been hailed as a rare example of common sense by gun-toting nicotine addicts everywhere.

“Look, I’ll give up smoking the day that the enemy stops trying to blow a great big fucking hole in my face, how about that?” said one front-line soldier.

“If the Government is so concerned about our health and safety, how about they do something to stop people firing semi-automatic weapons at us on a daily basis, eh?”

“Or maybe they could stop sending us into places riddled with well-armed terrorists?”

“It’s not like a bit of nicotine affects your ability to discharge your weapon anway.”

“The Taliban spend most days smacked up to their eyeballs, and they’re doing alright.”

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