Single mother and violent Aussie-botherer Katie Price is to sue the News of the World over allegations that they chose not to hack into her mobile phone.
Speaking to anyone who would listen, Price said, “I can’t believe they didn’t hack my phone, I’m Jordan!”
“It’s disgusting. They call themselves a tabloid? How are people expected to find out where I’ve been throwing my fanny this week, eh?”
“If the News of The World aren’t interested in what I’m doing, what does that tell the public about me?”
“This has done irreparable harm to my image as a sexed-up trollop, and I will be seeking commensurate damages to cover my emotional pain.”
Price began to sob uncontrollably upon discovering that News Of The World journalists had chosen instead to pour over hours of calls involving excitement-free celebrities Gwyneth Paltrow and Alan Shearer.
“Oh Christ, this is the end for me, isn’t it?”
“They would prefer to hear Alan Shearer discuss the weather and spout several hours of mindlessly dull platitudes about why Newcastle aren’t as bad as everyone outside Newcastle thinks, than hear which cock I am chasing this week?”
“It’s because I had my boobs reduced isn’t it. That’s it, they’re going back in again.”