Wednesday 25 March 2009

Increased fuel duty forces arsonists to seek cheaper alternatives

The Government’s latest planned 2% rise in fuel duty has added further financial strain to the nation’s already struggling arsonists.

Despite promising no fuel duty raises for 12 months, the Government has back tracked and plans to implement a 2% rise on April 1 this year.

Many firestarters have already cut back since the last round of tax hikes brought the total tax to seventy pence in every pound spent on fuel.

“It’s just not fair,” said Steve Downer, a retired arsonist.

“I remember when a fiver would do me for a couple of small homes and the odd garage, maybe even an abandoned car if I burned carefully.”

“Not any more.  Five quid is barely enough to burn down an average sized shed.”

Forgotten victims

The country’s arsonists are often the forgotten victims of incessant fuel taxation where more media-friendly hauliers and drivers have taken centre stage.

“It can take drivers hours to get through a tank of petrol, whereas we can work our way through that amount in seconds, literally.” continued Mr Downer.

“Cheaper options are abundant, but not practical.”

“Biodiesel simply doesn’t work, and don’t get me started on those electric fire igniters.  They’re fucking shit.”

With Government policy making it so difficult, many arsonists are turning to other forms of social vandalism.

“I know some guys are giving graffiti a go, but the best they can do is a cock and balls with three tiny squirts of jizz coming out,” he concluded.

“It’s embarrassing.”

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