In an alternative universe in which every US citizen carries a gun, the only Aurora resident still alive has praised the actions of his fellow residents in taking down cinema gunman James Holmes.
Holmes opened fire at a premier for the new Batman film, seemingly unaware that in the universe he inhabited everyone around him was equally well-armed.
Lone survivor Simon Matthews told us, “He only got away two or three rounds before the first shot came back at him from the other side of the cinema.”
“Of course, it’s really dark in there, so it wasn’t him that they hit clean in the chest – but at least he knew he wasn’t going to have it all his own way from that point.”
“Within seconds there were dozens of assault weapons firing in all directions in between people fleeing for the door.”
“However it was that first shot from those fleeing outside that really saw things start to escalate.”
“Passing drivers stopped their cars to return fire, and people in the houses close by heard the gun fire and started firing back in self-defence.”
“It’s amazing how seeing someone firing a gun can make you want to take out your own gun and fire at them. It was a gunfire frenzy.”
Alternate universe Aurora massacre
Matthews explained that within minutes the entire town was firing at the person they thought was probably firing at them.
“Within six minutes everyone within a mile of the cinema was firing at someone they thought was on a gun rampage – which technically they were.”
“By midnight, all 325,000 residents were shot dead – except me, but that’s only because I played dead outside Dunkin’ Doughnuts when it all kicked off in the car park. I’d left my gun at home y’see.”
The National Rifle Association have claimed that the alternate universe has shown how important it is train people to use guns at an early age.
An NRA spokesperson explained, “People will look at the 325,000 death toll and claim this as a failure of our gun laws, but I would point to the fact that James Holmes only killed two people before someone shot him despite aiming at someone else entirely – that’s a true victory right there.”
“Plus if that first defensive shot had hit hit James Holmes in the head, none of this would have happened.”
“What we really need is for the nation to properly embrace the gun culture we’re all now part of, and for everyone to become an expert marksman.”
“Then we can all be safe.”