Friday 3 December 2010

Coalition government celebrates one-millionth utterance of the word ‘fair’


The coalition is this morning celebrating its one-millionth utterance of the word ‘fair’ since coming to power, after claiming its new policy on child poverty is seeking to create a fairer society for all.

The one-millionth mention is a full six months ahead of schedule, with even the most wildly optimistic government officials failing to predict the milestone would be reached before Christmas.

A Whitehall insider told us, “This is an incredibly achievement and one to be immensely to be proud of.  Not many would have given us much hope of reaching such a significant milestone so early into this term in office.”

“It’s a testament to our dedication in trying to crowbar the word ‘fair’ into every single soundbite we’ve given since May this year.”

“We strongly believe the best way to create a fairer society for all, is to keep telling you all that we’re working towards a fairer society for all. Which is only fair.”

“Sorry, sorry, I’m sort of on autopilot still.”

Government policy is ‘fair’

Voters have been left less than impressed by the governments ‘fair’ tactic, with some claiming the word has lost all meaning.

Deidre Williams of Basingstoke said, “It’s a bit like when you repeat a word to yourself over and over again.  It starts to sound a bit strange and lose all meaning, before long you sound to like an idiot spouting gibberish.”

“I remember in the summer I spent an hour saying Pineapple over and over again.  Have you ever thought about what a weird word pineapple is? Pine-Apple.  Pinnnne. Appllllle.”

“Well I feel the same way about ‘fair’ now.  What does it actually mean?  I know it sounds patently ridiculous coming out of the mouth of any politician.”

“Does it mean difficult, unpleasant, and likely to put you out of a job?  Because looking back at the last six months of government announcements that would make perfect sense, actually.”

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