Why did the US get sent the really fit one, ask UK spy catchers

author avatar by 14 years ago

The UK’s spy-catchers have this morning questioned the motives of a Russian government that chose to send an incredibly fit operative to the US whilst embedding Katia Zatuliveter, a woman who wouldn’t look out of place sat behind a till, with the Liberal Democrat party.

As moves are underway to deport Ms Zatuliveter, questions are already being asked as to why the Russians thought we didn’t warrant having a gorgeous spy try and uncover our state secrets.

Formers spy catcher William Donald told us, “After the World Cup thing, this is just another slap in the face by the Russians.  If you’re going to be systematically uncovering state secrets, the least they could do is give us a great arse to look at whilst they did it.”

“It’s almost like they didn’t care whether she succeeded or not and that placement with the Liberal Democrats was considered pointless.  I mean Mike Hancock? No, I hadn’t heard of him either – and I live in his Portsmouth South constituency.”

“Also, we’ve already seen what former Lib-Dem Lembit Opik was capable of when faced with least funny-looking Cheeky Girl, so the Russians probably thought sending a babe into that lot would cause absolute carnage.”

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Many former secret service operatives have insisted that Ms Zatuliveter is almost certainly not a spy, despite protestations to the contrary by MI5.

One told us, “She’s not a spy, obviously.  Just look at her.  There is a good reason why Kathy Burke was never asked to be a bond girl.”

Others have said it makes perfect sense, claiming, “You have to remember this is the Liberal Democrats, sending in your fittest spy there would be like sending Wayne Rooney to play for Basingstoke.  It’s a complete waste of their talents.”

“Who knows, maybe the Russians really wanted to know how to destroy the parliamentary reputation of a political party inside six months.  In which case, mission accomplished.”

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