Parents equipped with body armour, first aid kits, soft play vouchers and wine for summer holidays

Britain’s parents have just about all they need to stand a chance this summer.

With Britain’s schools breaking up for the next six weeks (or hundred years, relative to whether or not you have kids), parents nationwide are bracing for the fact they will be looking after their little darlings all day, every day.

“Fucking hell,” confirmed father, Simon Williams, knocking back a shot of absinthe for his breakfast.

“It’s ok…it’ll be fine… we’ve got all of the movies lined up on the SkyBox, we’ll be going to the park for four hours a day to knacker them out and we’ve got thirty-eight cases of wine in the spare room for when they finally go to sleep.

“We’ve got some cracking first aid kits this year as well for when the little bastards inevitably start kicking lumps out of each other.”

Mother, Gemma Rice, said, “My body is ready.

“And by ‘ready’ I mean it’s got on four layers of kevlar body armour and I’ve been practising sprinting up the stairs for when I hear the sound of breaking glass followed by ‘MUMMMMYYYYYY!’

“I’ve also found a local ambulance driver who’s willing to work on a retainer. It’s going to be fine.”

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